“Mamma, darling, for goodness’ sake, don’t talk about it. It’s so horrible
to talk about it.”
“I won’t,” said her mother, seeing the tears in her daughter’s eyes; “but
one thing, my love; you promised me you would have no secrets from me.
You won’t?”
“Never, mamma, none,” answered Kitty, flushing a little, and looking her
mother straight in the face, “but there’s no use in my telling you anything,
and I … I … if I wanted to, I don’t know what to say or how…. I don’t
know….”
“No, she could not tell an untruth with those eyes,” thought the mother,
smiling at her agitation and happiness. The princess smiled that what was
taking place just now in her soul seemed to the poor child so immense and
so important.
Chapter 13
After dinner, and till the beginning of the evening, Kitty was feeling a
sensation akin to the sensation of a young man before a battle. Her heart
throbbed violently, and her thoughts would not rest on anything.
She felt that this evening, when they would both meet for the first time,
would be a turning point in her life. And she was continually picturing them
to herself, at one moment each separately, and then both together. When she
mused on the past, she dwelt with pleasure, with tenderness, on the
memories of her relations with Levin. The memories of childhood and of
Levin’s friendship with her dead brother gave a special poetic charm to her
relations with him. His love for her, of which she felt certain, was flattering
and delightful to her; and it was pleasant for her to think of Levin. In her
memories of Vronsky there always entered a certain element of
awkwardness, though he was in the highest degree well-bred and at ease, as
though there were some false note—not in Vronsky, he was very simple and
nice, but in herself, while with Levin she felt perfectly simple and clear.
But, on the other hand, directly she thought of the future with Vronsky,
there arose before her a perspective of brilliant happiness; with Levin the
future seemed misty.
When she went upstairs to dress, and looked into the looking-glass, she
noticed with joy that it was one of her good days, and that she was in
complete possession of all her forces,—she needed this so for what lay
before her: she was conscious of external composure and free grace in her
movements.
At half-past seven she had only just gone down into the drawing-room,
when the footman announced, “Konstantin Dmitrievitch Levin.” The
princess was still in her room, and the prince had not come in. “So it is to
be,” thought Kitty, and all the blood seemed to rush to her heart. She was
horrified at her paleness, as she glanced into the looking-glass. At that
moment she knew beyond doubt that he had come early on purpose to find
her alone and to make her an offer. And only then for the first time the
whole thing presented itself in a new, different aspect; only then she
realized that the question did not affect her only—with whom she would be
happy, and whom she loved—but that she would have that moment to
wound a man whom she liked. And to wound him cruelly. What for?
Because he, dear fellow, loved her, was in love with her. But there was no
help for it, so it must be, so it would have to be.
“My God! shall I myself really have to say it to him?” she thought. “Can
I tell him I don’t love him? That will be a lie. What am I to say to him? That
I love someone else? No, that’s impossible. I’m going away, I’m going
away.”
She had reached the door, when she heard his step. “No! it’s not honest.
What have I to be afraid of? I have done nothing wrong. What is to be, will
be! I’ll tell the truth. And with him one can’t be ill at ease. Here he is,” she
said to herself, seeing his powerful, shy figure, with his shining eyes fixed
on her. She looked straight into his face, as though imploring him to spare
her, and gave her hand.
“It’s not time yet; I think I’m too early,” he said glancing round the
empty drawing-room. When he saw that his expectations were realized, that
there was nothing to prevent him from speaking, his face became gloomy.
“Oh, no,” said Kitty, and sat down at the table.
“But this was just what I wanted, to find you alone,” he began, not sitting
down, and not looking at her, so as not to lose courage.
“Mamma will be down directly. She was very much tired…. Yesterday….”
